When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘Sterling Archer’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.

BARRY: Archer, your boots! They’re slipping, man.
ARCHER: Probably because there’s two hundred pounds of asshole hanging off them.
BARRY: One eighty-three, fat boy!
ARCHER: Whatever, tell that to my silk socks.
BARRY: Why are you wearing silk socks?!
ARCHER: Is that a joke?

(via elgog)

I don’t know if they grade it, but… coarse.

(via perfecti0nist)

(via brocreate)

Archer: Because I told you to buy lemon curd, Woodhouse. Now what am I going to spread on my toast? Your tears?

(via brocreate)

(via brocreate)

All I’ve had today is, like, six gummy bears and some scotch.

• Malory: Why the hell were you drinking?
• Archer: Hello? It's a party.
• Malory: It's a baby shower!

Uta: Help! Please help me! Mine baby! He swallowed something, he’s choking!
Archer: Oh, who gives a shit about a baby?

(via siriussblack-has-moved)

(via formerlyleighway)